It is with sadness and some woundedness that I am saying goodbye to A
Side-B Community. In 2014, I first joined as the group was created
somewhat spontaneously at the Gay Christian Network conference in
Chicago. I was in awe at meeting such a diversity of thought and
practice when it comes to faithful stewardship of sexuality. I was
coming from a spiritually abusive ex-gay church at the time. I was also
so new to the idea that I didn’t have to become heterosexual to go to
heaven, that I didn’t really know who or what to believe beyond that I’m
saved by grace which is sufficient – regardless of what my stewardship
would eventually become. I joined the group very open about being
“undecided” or “Side-C” as a tongue-in-cheek way of saying I’m
“confused”. I sought an authentic community with those who were on a
similar path to my own.

In the Summer of 2015, I was invited to speak about racial justice at
The Reformation Project conference in Atlanta. Additionally, I was on a
broadcasted panel to answer basic questions about being LGBT – my
appearance included a statement about my church community values of
marriage being between one man and one woman, and offering the resource
of a blog written by a celibate gay couple (from this community). This
invitation drew sharp public critique from conservative Christian
writers (that have continued to investigate me and name me in articles
as recently as late 2019). The response that my presence at the
conference created prompted my first public declaration about the
several years I’d practiced abstinence as I considered a life of
celibacy (link:
[[http://darrencalhoun.com/2015/07/about-darren-calhoun/]{.underline}](http://darrencalhoun.com/2015/07/about-darren-calhoun/)).
While that statement eventually settled the public conversation, I would
semi-regularly be pinged by the admins who dutifully responded to
requests to verify that I should indeed belong in the group. I gave
honest and upfront answers each time and was approved to continue each
time.

In 2016, I accepted board nominations for both the Gay Christian Network
(to become Q Christian Fellowship) and to The Reformation Project. In
both spaces, I made it clear that the advocacy work that I’ve always
been part of (starting with The Marin Foundation) has been work that
doesn’t exclude a theological camp (Side-A nor Side-B). It was also
around this time that I made the decision to no longer discuss my
personal sexual stewardship with people who aren’t deeply committed to
me personally. My experience has been that people seek to know, not as a
way to care for my soul, but rather as a way to check off boxes and
disqualify organizations I may be affiliated with. Prominent members of
this group have openly discussed me while refusing to directly engage me
on any of the matters of their concern. That realization felt terrible,
but I was willing to sacrifice for the sake of churches everywhere –
regardless of theology – to become better at naming and protecting
LGBTQ+ people. I believe that we too are a reflection of the image of
God. I continue to feel that this mission is foundational to any
conversation about traditional or affirming theology. In 2018, I became
more explicit about inclusion for all LGBTQ+ people and shared a bit
more of my journey to this point in the post that I made on my personal
website as well as on the website for Q Christian Fellowship (link:
[[http://darrencalhoun.com/2018/12/we-all-belong-here-my-journey-of-faith/]{.underline}](http://darrencalhoun.com/2018/12/we-all-belong-here-my-journey-of-faith/)
).

Even after these public statements and continued confirmations with
admins, I was excluded and targeted for what felt like discrimination…
not for things I’ve said or done, but for the ways people are able to
speculate about me, my intentions, and my affiliations. I felt that
people who had ample access to me declined to engage me and instead made
decisions about me without my involvement. This continued into a private
conflict with Revoice and failed attempts at meeting / reconciling with
those who have been antagonistic toward me. Fear and distrust seem to be
winning the day and at the beginning of 2020, I realized the personal
toll it’s taken on my mental health. Front-lines advocacy for LGBTQ+
issues often means that people who don’t even know your name feel the
right to interrogate your faith, sexuality, and purity. I’ve developed
ways to deal with that. However, the endless ways that I’ve found myself
jumping through hoops in some of the same spaces where we lament the
hoops others have put us through to no avail hurts my heart and has
wearied my spirit.

I came to this community 6 years ago seeking to know others and to be
known by others. To figure out what faithful Christian stewardship of my
sexuality looks like. And while I’ve built some amazing friendships,
cheerfully engaged with many of you at conferences across the country,
and done both public and private consulting and advocacy – specifically
naming and protecting Side-B interests – my time in bounded-set\* spaces
like this one has come to an end. I no longer have the energy for the
verifications and hoops to jump through. I no longer have the energy for
spaces that only welcome certain people – not because of safety or a
tangible threat, but simply for the sake of exclusion. \[\[\*A
Bounded-set community is one where a set of people are clearly marked
off from those who do not belong to it. This may be done via membership
requirements, theological stance, or doctrinal boundary. The boundary
functions to both keep people in and others out. In contrast, a
centered-set community operates differently. Rather than drawing a
border to determine who belongs and who doesn\’t, a centered set is
defined by its core values, and people are not seen as in or out, but as
closer or further away from the center. In that sense, everyone is in
and no one is out. Though some people are close to the center and others
far from it, everyone is potentially part of the community in its
broadest sense. People stay with the community because they are drawn to
what it provides, rather than being kept in or out by an arbitrary
border. In this way, very clear values and beliefs still exist but the
focus is on maintaining the value rather than figuring out who should be
in or out of the community.\]\]

I don’t want to be in spaces that kill their wounded. I think this group
still has profound value – as attested to by its growing numbers. For
those who stay and have the energy to work for change, I hope you can be
part of making this group a place that’s safer for questioners and
doubters – with more attention given to naming the values that are Side
B. Too often someone comes in questioning or dismissing the experiences
of group members who are in celibate same-sex civil mariages, who are
gender expansive, women, people of color, or members who simply don’t
follow the same rules as your tradition. I’d love to see more centered
on care for the people here and actively supporting those who are able
to do public ministry regarding Side B. As I depart, I welcome ongoing
direct dialogue with me about my experiences and laments.

My commitment has been and will continue to be for all LGBTQ+ Christians
in organizations and churches regardless of their theology on sexuality.
I’m keenly aware that Side-B is a minority within a minority (even more
so if you’re a person of color) and special attention needs to be paid
to make sure that the voices of Side-B individuals are heard. I’ll
continue in friendship and support of anyone from the group who would
like that from me. For the time being, I’ll continue to make my personal
theology/praxis on sexuality a matter of private disclosure with
trustworthy friends and leaders where we have mutual respect and
accountability but not something that’s up for public consumption and
chatter.

I hope to see churches do the work to name and protect LGBTQ+ people
explicitly in their policy as well as in the life of their communities.
I hope to see online spaces that hold greater capacity for the nuanced
and delicate way that people may be undecided or moving in and out of
Side-B space. I’d love to be part of a Side-B centered group that can be
inclusive of allies, non-antagonistic Side-A people, and people who are
discerning what celibacy or a mixed-orientation marriage might mean for
their lives and their church. I long to see Side-B become a thriving
example of what singleness should look like in the church and beyond
(regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity).

If you’d like to reach out to me, feel free to do so here on Facebook or
via email at
[[dc@darrencalhoun.com]{.underline}](mailto:dc@darrencalhoun.com). Thank
you to the friends and leaders in this space who have been kind and
helpful to me – your impact is something I’ll forever carry with me.\
\
Blessings,\
\
\– Darren\
\
P.s. I’ll remain in the group until Saturday night to respond to
questions or make clarifications.