Hi, I’m Darren Calhoun\…

Growing up, I was convinced that I *could not* be good at sports and
sheepishly backed away from any activity that required athletic skill. I
remember one spring afternoon my teacher insisted that I join the rest
of the class in our regular game of softball. I was always picked last
to play on a team, but my teacher made sure I was in the batting
rotation. When I reluctantly stepped to the plate and swung at the ball,
I missed and presumed that the next two pitches would go the same way as
they always had. To my shock and the surprise of everyone else, I swung,
hit the ball, and made a home run! From that day on, I was convinced
that change is indeed possible. Even now as an adult, I believe that our
scriptures encourage us to change and grow to be more like Jesus –
loving, generous, truthful, and merciful.

But I also believe some things about us do not change.

There are some things about us that God doesn’t want to change – because
God made us who we are, in our “innermost being,” as the Psalmist says.
And God made us good, all created in God’s image and likeness. It is
from this place (of Original Blessing) that we do the difficult and
nuanced work of figuring out what in us must change because it’s not
like God and what is absolutely a reflection of the divine working
within us.

This process is often messy. And it gets messier the closer it gets to
home\…like when it comes to our sexuality. I discovered that when I
was 18 and was told that because of my sexual orientation I was “damned
and going to hell.\”

**~~(My Story)~~**

The day I learned this, I was at church, and we’d just finished our
Sunday service, And like most Sundays I’d been singing with the praise
team, praying with people who came to the altar, and after everything
was over, cleaning up the auditorium so it would be ready for the next
service.

While I was cleaning, one of the church elders called me over to talk.
She and I spoke often – not only because we worked together in the
Sunday School department, but because she was assigned to help me with
\[pause\] my problem.

Several months before, I disclosed to my pastor and then to her that I
was struggling with same-sex attraction. I told them it was something
I’d been fighting so hard, but still couldn’t get rid of. They promised
to help me and my 18-year-old self believed that they would be able
to… to make me heterosexual. After all, they told me I couldn’t go to
heaven and be gay.

“Why did you do that?” the elder asked me this Sunday morning. “Why were
you praying with those people when you’re the one that needs prayer?”
she demanded.

I began to explain that one of the other ministers had asked me to…
“No.” she interrupted then a little softer she said, “You just don’t
know how damned you are, do you?”

What? I could hardly catch my breath, and I was trying not to cry. Or
run away. And then she added. “if you were really saved, I’d be able to
see it in your eyes.”

Believe me\… I really wanted to be saved. Starting when I was 12,
every morning when I looked at myself in the mirror I’d ask my
reflection\…and God\… if I was going to be gay for the rest of my
life.

When I was 14 I had gotten so self-conscious about existing in my own
body that I got my cousin to teach me how to walk “right” – so I could
be sure I wouldn’t “look” gay.

At 16 I started poring through human sexuality books trying to figure
out what had gone wrong with me, with my body, and when I’d start being
attracted to girls.

I knew I wasn’t like everyone around me and I would have given anything
just to belong.

And for all of my 18 years, I’d been trying to live in a way that was
pleasing to God. In every way possible. In this body.

But none of that mattered to this woman, my dear trusted church leader.

My body and my desires, my sexuality\…me\…just as I am\…was wrong.
I was broken. Beyond hope.

Damned.

Yeah, I got the message. Loud and clear.

And it was the only message I carried around in this body, for a very
long time.

It was the message that made me decide to follow the direction of a
pastor to give up college, leave friends and family, and subject myself
to living in a church basement for 4 years, trying to pray the gay away.

(End Story)

My experience, of course, is not an isolated case. There are lots of
folks who believe that who we are in our innermost being, how we
identify, or who we’re attracted to, is something that can be changed
because of a prayer we pray or a therapy program we participate in.

There are many who believe we are supposed to “pray the gay away” or
that if we have *enough* faith and patience that God will simply turn
the gay off like a light switch.

Conversion therapy, sometimes referred to as “reparative therapy,” is
any of several dangerous and discredited practices aimed at changing an
individual’s sexual orientation or gender identity. Conversion
therapists use a variety of shaming, emotionally traumatic or physically
painful stimuli to make their victims associate those stimuli with their
LGBTQ identities. According to studies by the UCLA Williams Institute,
more than 700,000 LGBTQ people have been subjected to the horrors of
conversion therapy, and an estimated 80,000 LGBTQ youth will experience
this unprofessional conduct in coming years, often at the insistence of
well-intentioned but misinformed parents or caretakers. .. or trusted
religious leaders.
([[source]{.underline}](https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-involved/trevor-advocacy/50-bills-50-states/about-conversion-therapy/.))

However, there simply isn’t strong evidence that God frequently or
regularly changes one\’s sexual orientation or gender identity.

The glaring omission of many “freedom from homosexuality” efforts is
that they don’t talk about the reality that the vast majority of people
who seek out these efforts (75-99% by some estimates) never experience
the promised change.

What we do have, backed by countless stories, professional opinions of
both clergy and clinicians, and by research data, is strong evidence
that efforts to change one\’s sexual orientation or gender identity
*does hurt*\…and sometimes kill\…the people who are trying to do it.

In 2000, The American Psychiatric Association said this:\
\
“Psychotherapeutic modalities to convert or ‘repair’ homosexuality are
based on developmental theories whose scientific validity is
questionable. Furthermore, anecdotal reports of ‘cures’ are
counterbalanced by anecdotal claims of psychological harm. In the last
four decades, ‘reparative’ therapists have not produced [any rigorous
scientific research]{.underline} to substantiate their claims of cure.
Until there is such research available, \[the American Psychiatric
Association\] recommends that ethical practitioners
[refrain]{.underline} from attempts to change individuals’ sexual
orientation, keeping in mind the medical dictum to **first, do no
harm**…
([[source]{.underline}](http://www.psychiatry.org/File%20Library/Advocacy%20and%20Newsroom/Position%20Statements/ps2000_ReparativeTherapy.pdf))

The American Psychiatric Association has also said that “the potential
risks of reparative therapy are great, including depression, anxiety and
self-destructive behavior….and may reinforce self-hatred already
experienced by the patient.”

The self- hatred that is placed on LGBTQ people by family and friends
and churches, is part of the reason we see such a high suicide rate
among LGBTQ teens. In a study by San Francisco State University,
lesbian, gay and bisexual youth who were rejected by their families and
caregivers due to their identities were nearly **six times more likely
to report high levels of depression and more than eight times more
likely to have attempted suicide when compared to youth from accepting
and affirming families and caregivers.**

Did you know that *suicide* is the 2nd leading cause of death among
young people ages 10 to 24? And that Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual youth
seriously contemplate suicide at almost three times the rate of
heterosexual youth? Also in a national study, 40% of transgender adults
reported having made a suicide attempt. 92% of these individuals
reported having attempted suicide before the age of 25.

(breathe)

I could go on – there are lots of statistics out there about this. But
here’s the summary: **Conversion therapy has NOT been proven to work.
And the emotional and spiritual abuse it causes is not only
marginalizing and hurting people, it’s killing them.**

This is so consistently true that several states, including Illinois,
have moved to outlaw conversion therapy and more states are in the
process of passing similar laws as well.

And why am I here talking to you about this today?

**Because friends, this is a justice issue. One that the church has been
too silent on for too long.**

**And it doesn’t end at conversion therapy.**

LGBTQ+ people face not only emotional and spiritual abuse like what I
experienced but also physical violence as well.

Around 40% of the homeless youth population identify as LGBTQ+.

And of that number half left home because of rejection and half were
kicked out by their family. 32% percent fled home due to violence.

Marriage equality may be federal law, but it’s still legal to fire
someone or deny housing for being gay or trans in many states. We don’t
have a federal law for that. And while it may not be very important if
someone refuses to bake your wedding cake, these same laws are expanding
to give hospital employees the right to deny medical care.

Sadly, 2019 has already seen at least eleven transgender people
violently killed, the majority of them being black transgender women.
([[source]{.underline}](https://www.hrc.org/resources/violence-against-the-transgender-community-in-2019))

**This is a justice issue. And I believe it’s way past time for people
who follow Jesus to do something about it.**

So what does God’s call from Micah 6:8 to seek justice look like for
LGBTQ+ people?

I believe it means we all need to learn more, speak up, and work to end
the discrimination and harm being done against LGBTQ+ people.

**Where can you start? I’ve got four suggestions.**

**But before I share those, I want to say one more thing.**

I clearly come at this whole conversation from the point of view of a
person who now believes my sexual orientation is a reflection of the
diversity of God’s creation – it’s how God made me, I believe I am made
in the image and likeness of God. However, I didn’t always believe that.
And perhaps you don’t believe that either. Perhaps you think being gay
is a sin, or perhaps you aren’t sure whether it’s a part of God’s plan
or not.

First, I want you to know, I’m glad you’re here. Thank you for being in
this space and listening to what I have to say.

And if you would like, I’m happy to have a further conversation with you
about how I got to the place I got to in my theology, sometime over the
next few days.

However, no matter what you believe about this theologically, I hope we
can agree on this: with all the abuse, discrimination, and hate
crimes… it is very dangerous being LGBTQ in this country and around
the world. And too often the church has either been silent or
perpetuated this abuse. LGBTQ people today are among those I believe
Jesus was referring to in Matthew 25 when he talked about how *taking
care of the least of these* was like taking care of him.

All throughout Bible, we can hear God ***calling us*** to care for the
marginalized and for the least of these. And that’s why I call this a
justice issue.

So here are four ways I believe you can start answering God’s call from
Micah 6:8 to seek justice for LGBTQ+ people:

**Number 1:**

**Start by getting to know some real LGBTQ people and their stories.**

A great starting place is reading some stories by LGBTQ Christians. Q
Christian Fellowship recently came out with a collection called
UnChanged which includes stories from 19 folks, many of whom I know
personally\…and yes, one of those stories is mine… These stories
will, I think, touch you deeply, and change you. You can get this book
online – you can download it and start reading it today, in fact, at
UnchangedMovement.com

**Then you might want to take a step further and actually try to develop
a closer friendship with a gay or trans person.** Or two. You probably
know someone… at work, in your family, in some other social group
you’re in… Look around\…We’re here, we’re queer, we’re everywhere…
Though depending on your social circles, some of us may be trying to
stay pretty far under the radar.

Ask an LGBTQ person out to coffee or over for dinner. Not with an idea
of researching them or converting or changing them, but just to get to
know another human being better. And please don’t be creepy and pounce
on the next queer person you meet, instead, be genuinely interested in
getting to know someone and sharing about your life too. Relationships
happen over time.

I recently read a story in The Washington Post about a couple who did
this… After conversion therapy failed to change their son’s sexuality,
Teri and Steve Augustine decided they wanted to try to understand it. So
Teri asked her kids to invite gay Christians they knew to their home.
([[source]{.underline}](https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/social-issues/americans-views-flipped-on-gay-rights-how-did-minds-change-so-quickly/2019/06/07/ae256016-8720-11e9-98c1-e945ae5db8fb_story.html?utm_term=.38d4c43d0c76))

One of her daughters invited a gay colleague to come to dinner with his
partner. Teri learned about the pain he endured when his church rejected
him. Teri and her husband looked at each other after that first dinner
and said, “Wow, we need to do some work here.”

This led them to start organizing monthly dinners in their home for gay
Christians, many of whom were rejected from their own churches or
families. What began as a group of four people has grown to nearly 20
— sharing a meal, praying and singing together.

With all that’s going on in the world, this may not seem like much. But
I believe this is deep and transformative justice work. It’s not
theoretical. It’s real and practical and life-changing justice work. And
it’s what Jesus did. He had dinner with people. People who weren’t just
like him. People he might not have agreed with. He had dinner with
people on the margins, people others had rejected and pushed aside. He
got to know ***them***. And he always refused to throw stones at
***anyone***.

**So, what else can you do?**

**Here’s Number 2:**

What if you began having some conversations within your church? You
could initiate a book study as a starting place. I’d recommend Generous
Spaciousness by Wendy VanderWal Gritter or Torn by Justin Lee.

You could then start having some conversations in small groups at church
based on your reading. Maybe over dinner…

There are some helpful resources for doing this work in your church
available from TheReformationProject.org and QChristianFellowship.org.

Now I’m not even gonna lie\… This is going to be hard. You will have
to be brave to do this. And if there are gay people in your
church\…and quite honestly, there probably are, whether they’ve come
out openly to you yet or not… know that they are the widow and orphans
among you\… and you are going to need to protect them.

Because sometimes ugly things happen in churches when people start
talking openly about this stuff.

And too often LGBTQ people get blamed for it. The truth is, LGBTQ people
are often made to be responsible for everything from ruining the family
name, to breaking up the church, to the end of the United States as we
know it… that burden is far too great for us to bear.

So start talking. But also watch out for the least of these among you in
the process.

**number 3:**

**Look closely at your church policies.**

Your church might not do what was done to me, but how clear are you on
your policies? There’s a really useful effort underway called
**ChurchClarity.org** … they are seeking to help churches everywhere
be clear and upfront about what their policies are on basics like will
they hire or marry an LGBTQ person.

I really wish something like Church Clarity existed when I first started
attending the church I went to after I left that church that told me I
was damned.

Yeah, thankfully, I did leave that church that was doing its own form of
conversion therapy on me. I still loved God and wanted to continue
following Jesus, but I couldn’t bear the dehumanizing ways I was being
treated any longer. So I left hoping to find someplace to heal. The next
church that began to feel like the right place for me was awesome. They
were so welcoming and the leaders didn’t get too hung-up on me being gay
or same-sex-attracted. It was starting to feel like home and I would go
on to serve in that church for three years before suddenly finding out
that they had some very specific expectations for me because of my
sexual orientation.

They **weren’t** telling me I was condemned to hell, but they *were*
suggesting I commit the rest of my life to **celibacy**. Don’t get me
wrong, celibacy is a beautiful calling and unique gifting, but this was
a policy mandate being pushed by a bunch of married heterosexual folk
who would never have to figure out what it looked like to live the rest
of my life alone. They had books, conferences, and special counseling
for married couples… but didn’t have so much as a paragraph written to
cast a vision of a fulfilled, unmarried life. And when you think about
it… widows and heterosexual people who remain unmarried could use this
too, not just the gay folk.

And I have to tell you, this church, this place that had seemed like
such a sanctuary after the direct rejection and shaming I’d received at
my previous church also hurt me, deeply. In quieter, subtler ways, they
ended up giving me the message that God could only use my gifts if I was
celibate. So, again, I got the message that who I am is wrong,
unacceptable and if I was fully being who I was in my innermost being, I
would be pushed aside.

This wasn’t ever stated clearly in the church’s policies or on their
website, by the way. Like so many churches they said things like
“everyone is welcome” “come as you are.” “we love everyone” But the
reality was, there were exceptions. There were unwritten beliefs about
who was **fully loved and welcomed** and who wasn’t.

Leaving that church, it felt like I’d been lured into a bait and switch
pop-up ad on the internet. Promising me one thing but then\…click…
uh-oh this isn’t what I was looking for at all! It broke my heart all
over again.

**And finally number 4:**

Take a public stand for LGBTQ justice and inclusion.

This could mean something like signing petitions or writing to
government leaders about laws that are discriminatory and harmful.

A majority of states don’t have explicit laws prohibiting discrimination
in employment, housing, and public accommodations. While more states
every year are trying pass laws to protect their citizens from
discrimination and promote LGBTQ equality, lawmakers are also still
sponsoring bills that invoke religion, pre-empt local protections, and
target transgender and nonbinary people to allow, *and in some cases
mandate*, discrimination.
([[source]{.underline}](https://www.aclu.org/legislation-affecting-lgbt-rights-across-country))

One place you can keep up with legislation like this is on the website
**ACLU.org**.

There is, by the way, a piece of legislation that needs our support
right now. The Equality Act which recently passed in the House, would
explicitly prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation and
gender identity. It would be the first law to ensure LGBTQ people are
covered by consistent, explicit, and nationwide nondiscrimination
protections in employment, housing, access to public spaces and
services, and other critical areas of daily life. **But the Senate still
needs to pass it. If you go to ACLU.org they make it very easy for you
to send a message to your senators about this bill.**

**How else can you publicly stand for LGBTQ justice?**

**By being an ally. By actually opening your mouth when people spew
anti-gay speech. By standing up. And sometimes by walking.**

This past weekend I was at Chicago’s gay pride parade. I was actually
there as a part of an effort called MakeLoveLouder which stands between
the faith-based groups of protestors yelling words like “God hates gays”
and the people walking in the parade. We are there to be a witness to
God’s love that is stronger than hate and to give hugs to anyone who
would like one. It’s an awesome experience – one one that to me feels
like what Jesus would have done if there had been gay pride parades back
in his day. **And I’m going to talk more about why I do this in my
session tomorrow. So come back!**

But I first starting doing this almost 10 years ago, and I have to tell
you, one of the things that’s been so encouraging for me to see as a gay
Christian is the number of church groups who are now walking in the
parade – more and more of them every year. To me that’s a powerful
testimony to God’s work of healing and restoration in the world. Church
folk\…Christians, Jesus followers of all kinds\…who aren’t
necessarily gay themselves, but who love Jesus and love
justice\…they’re there walking and holding up signs and giving away
flyers that say “God is proud of you” and giving away bottles of water
\… in Jesus’ name… to say God loves you just as you are. And you
belong.

If I can be honest, all I’ve ever really wanted is to belong. I think we
all do. We want to know that we are loved, accepted, and cherished. That
we are not alone. We want to know that someone will be there for us. We
want to know that we deserve to take up space on this planet. And that
God created us and loves us wholly and completely, inside and out. Why
did I subject myself to toxic messages and burdensome mandates from
churches? Because I wanted to belong.

Gratefully, I’m in a church now that is clear about its policies toward
LGBTQ people and deeply affirms me, just as I am. I even worked with
that last church to help them become more clear and public about their
policies. I also sing in a band called The Many and we’ve written a song
which has become one of the regular songs we do at our church whenever
we serve communion. In fact, a lot of churches around the country have
adopted this as their communion song.

The song is called “All Belong Here.” And yes, tiny little plug\… you
can find it on Spotify. And iTunes. I even have a few CD’s with me if
you get down like that. 😉

The lyrics in the chorus of the song come from the point of view of
Jesus and they say:

Come and remember who you are here.

Do this to remember who I am.

Come and remember you belong here.

All belong here.

I have to tell you there is nothing more powerful than singing those
words as people come forward to take the bread and cup in this holy
moment that a lot of them have been rejected from, told they should have
no part of, simply because of who they are.

I wonder if you’d like to try to sing this simple chorus with me now.

It goes like this.

Come and remember who you are here.

Do this to remember who I am.

Come and remember you belong here.

All belong here.

THE END\…

EXTRA NOTES

Like all Christians, the lives of LGBTQ+ people do indeed include
stories of transformative change – changes that come from the work of
the Holy Spirit in us. We make personal sacrifices and conform our lives
in ways that are often overlooked by the church at large.

I believe that there is a unique value that exists in the lives and
experiences of LGBTQ+ Christians and that the body of Christ is
incomplete without us. We have perspectives about relating to God,
friendship, commitment, and love that can enhance the faith journeys of
all Christians of every orientation \– married, single, or celibate.

To cut off this part of the body is a loss to all of us.

And I get it… we all have our beliefs about God’s design for marriage,
gender roles, and for what a family should look like… and a list of
other things. And I’m not here to tell you what you should believe.
What’s important to me is that we take up a commitment to protect
everyone created in the image and likeness of God.