I’m missing my Dad right now.
I just finished leaving a comment for a friend who’s father passed about 3 months ago. In sharing with him parts of my story, I’m realizing that it was this time of year in 2003 when my own father passed.
I just tried to call my Aunt (my Dad’s sister) who I haven’t been in touch with much. I feel like they want me to call them and specifically my grandmother more – and I agree that I should. But it’s creating a tension that I don’t know how to deal with. When my father passed unexpectedly, there were messy situations in our home that rather than expose, my mom and I chose to deal with them privately and quietly. Unfortunately this caused my fathers family to feel excluded – something I didn’t find out about until a year after he passed. Even then, I wasn’t in a place that would allow me to really deal with the complexities of my life and relationships.
I wish I had an easy answer right now. I’ve noticed about myself that I want to end everything on a positive note. To an extent nothing is wrong with that – I just have to be able to deal with things that won’t have a good outlook – right away.
I need your help. I have so many emotions and situations whirling around me right now. I know these feelings are only temporary. Help me to see and feel you now – to focus and be centered on you. Grant me the peace that surpasses my understanding of these situations. God I’ll trust in you.
Thank you for my earthly Father – who those limited and human set a beautiful example of your unconditional love. Thank you for the love that you put in his heart for me. For how he did his best to be present and loving in my life. Thank you Lord… for Darryl Kingsly Calhoun.
I took a step of faith tonight.
Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I’m in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he’s holding out his hand
But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I’ve tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
“Boy, you’ll never win,
you’ll never win.”
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says “do not be afraid!”
and the voice of truth says “this is for my glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
– “Voice of Truth” by Casting Crowns
I’ve decided to search for something better. Once again, I’m at a place of trust and surrender. Father, I’m committing myself to you. Lead me and guide me. You’ve called me out and I’m responding. Take what I have… my brokenness and frailty and build me into what and who you’ve called me to be.
Thank you Father,
I don’t know where to begin. Some of everything is going on right now. Part of me is excited about my business – I’m starting to see how to do things to make this thing profitable and more professional. I’ve got a bunch of ideas in my head but I haven’t executed most of them. The music ministry is doing well at church, I still feel like I’m flying every time I serve there. I’m half-way through an awesome 9-week workshop that I’m taking at church called “Solutions” where we’re studying the book “Changes That Heal”. That group and book are changing my life in profound ways. I’m looking at my relationships differently and taking responsibility (ownership) for my life.
At the same time I’m anxious, feel weak, am afraid, and in some ways just don’t know what to do.
This week I started looking for work. For my current main income, I’m only paid per project – and I’ve had almost no projects this month. That means I’ve got to find another source quickly. That makes me axious. Then I’m dealing with the fact that I’ve gained yet another clothing size – so starting this week I’m going walking in the mornings, but it’s only Tuesday and I can barely drag myself out of the house. I’m really begining to push against my addictive paterns, for the first time in a long time, I want to take active steps to overcome… but I feel so weak and haven’t done a great job this week. Let’s not even begin to factor in the unrest in our economy right now.
I realize that I’m on the edge of change — it just happens to be in about 973 areas of my life all at once. I’m thankful that I have things to look forward to in my week, that I’m building some friendships and support, and that God is my strength. I just want to know that everything will be ok.
Lord, I need you so. Father… HELP ME… HELP US ALL. Hosanna! (“Save Us Now. We Beg you”). Amen
Gosh! This whole dealing with your life and relationships thing is not easy. I’m really just writing this to give my self a breather from a conversation that I’m beginning to have with someone significant in my life. My intention in the conversation is reconciliation – a good three or more years worth of it.
Right now I’m reading the last chapter of Safe People and it seems to be the most difficult part of the book for me. It talks about reconciling your relationships as being the preferable goal of dealing with your issues. For me it’s scarier than walking away (which I’m also to scared to do). I guess I just need to remind myself that I have to give it time. I don’t have to ‘fix it all’ in one conversation (we had to get off the phone quickly today which is probably why I’m still all tensed up). The good thing is that the other person seems to be open to dialog and actually shared some major things that have been going on in their own life.
Help me to be at peace today… not to become overwhelmed or entangled with fear about today. I can only do so much each day, and I believe that you order every day with just the right amount of challenge and rest. Father help me to stay in step with your yoke. Thank you for giving me safety and rest in good relationships with your people. Help me to keep this all in perspective.
Thank you for the help and the way of escape.
Wow. It’s 3:34pm and I’m still in awe (and almost in tears) over the awesome thing God did in our Prayer service at Willow Creek Chicago today. This was our second Prayer service and was immeasurably more powerful than the first! Continue reading BEST! WORSHIP! EVER!