I’m in a challenging time right now. I’m requesting prayers for wisdom, peace, and a pure heart as I pursue the goals that God has for me. There is so much that I need to share and record here. What I know is that a new season is beginning in my world.
Updates coming soon. I’m writing this from the new iPhone app WordPress 2 – so maybe I’ll write more frequently.
This afternoon I took some time to share with a good friend a bit of my story of hurt and healing in the Church. I feel like I’ve told this to everyone already, but I keep finding that I’ve only alluded to it to many. With that being said I’ll probably get into more detail here on my blog soon. The (hopefully) short story is that I spent seven years in ministry at a church all the while struggling with addictions and compulsive behaviors – totally in isolation and not sharing this struggle with anyone. When things became life-threatening I finally went to my pastor and shared everything – all of my fears and failures – and asked for help. While I was initially met with love, it was also the beginning of just over three years of extreme demands being placed on me – leading to me moving way from all friends and family, severing ties with anyone I knew outside of our church, giving up school, my business, my vehicle, my computer, my cell phone – everything to pursue the ‘help’ that I was being offered. What it turned out to be was living under 24-hour supervision in a legalistic environment with no actual counseling or direct ‘help’ resources. This didn’t come all at once, but rather gradually I was given stricter and stricter requirements all in the name of helping me.
I don’t know where to begin. Some of everything is going on right now. Part of me is excited about my business – I’m starting to see how to do things to make this thing profitable and more professional. I’ve got a bunch of ideas in my head but I haven’t executed most of them. The music ministry is doing well at church, I still feel like I’m flying every time I serve there. I’m half-way through an awesome 9-week workshop that I’m taking at church called “Solutions” where we’re studying the book “Changes That Heal”. That group and book are changing my life in profound ways. I’m looking at my relationships differently and taking responsibility (ownership) for my life.
At the same time I’m anxious, feel weak, am afraid, and in some ways just don’t know what to do.
This week I started looking for work. For my current main income, I’m only paid per project – and I’ve had almost no projects this month. That means I’ve got to find another source quickly. That makes me axious. Then I’m dealing with the fact that I’ve gained yet another clothing size – so starting this week I’m going walking in the mornings, but it’s only Tuesday and I can barely drag myself out of the house. I’m really begining to push against my addictive paterns, for the first time in a long time, I want to take active steps to overcome… but I feel so weak and haven’t done a great job this week. Let’s not even begin to factor in the unrest in our economy right now.
I realize that I’m on the edge of change — it just happens to be in about 973 areas of my life all at once. I’m thankful that I have things to look forward to in my week, that I’m building some friendships and support, and that God is my strength. I just want to know that everything will be ok.
Lord, I need you so. Father… HELP ME… HELP US ALL. Hosanna! (“Save Us Now. We Beg you”). Amen
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