When your bootstraps have broken and your strength is gone… when you just can’t ‘get it together’ when you know it’s all your fault… the truth is the truth and it all points to you messing up. When too much is on you to give up now, but moving a nother step in any direction is just as unbearable as standing still… when you’ve encouraged others and uplifted others, but can’t seem to uplift yourself right now.
What do you do when your sane enough not to do something crazy, but your life is crazy enough to make you want to do something insane?
I’m just tired and frustrated… I don’t want anybody to come and lay hands, I don’t want somebody to sit me down in their bible study… I don’t want someone to speak big words they got out of a dictionary to say the same things over and over again. I’m tired of being treated like a ‘project’ to fix up, like a ‘broken and lost soul’, or like super man… I just want to find out how to live a simple life and be happy. I don’t want to chace after money to survive, I don’t want to bend and contort to the latest paradigms and concepts of how to look spiritual and sound authoritative. I’m tired right now… I hurt inside… my weeks run together, my days blur by, and I can never see where a change will come for the better.
I don’t know how to do life… I don’t know how to make it work. I’m tired of comming up short. I’m tired of my words being used against me… and my silence being reason for reproof. I’m sick of being full of hope yet overcome by pressure and fear.
I want to be in God’s perfect will, but I know my will hasn’t been transformed yet. I want to take it a day at a time and deal with it as it comes, but my past looks a whole lot like my present just with different people.
I don’t have the enery to be the support to those around me… yet I feel someone right now saying “he’s talking about “I” too much” and so I ask how do you do and give to everyone yet still be too concerned about yourself? How do you maintain your body and health while still being availible and accountable for the demands of your job?
I love to worship… but somehow life gets in the way… worship is timelss and boundeless… I feel so free, alive, real in worship. I want that to overflow into the rest of my life. We’re called to live a lifestyle of worship… but this present lifestyle looks like God isn’t gettting the glory.
I want to figure it out… but I always end up relying on someone’s way… and eventually that gets in the way. All the “men of God” all the time management books, all the deliverance books and videos, all the sermons and prayer lines, all the stuff and things… I just want God… to be in his presence… the changes he makes in my life work and are real, but they never meet other folk’s expectations… or they don’t ‘manifest’ fast enough for them.
I’m just ‘venting’ I guess…