It was so wonderful to reconnect with my family this weekend.  I’ve never valued these connections so much before.  In a lot of ways, I just didn’t know how.  I’ve got to intergrate being with my family more into my life!!!

Anyway leave comments and share what you did with your family or friends this Holiday.

Oh – and I’m also publishing this from my iPhone, which I will write a review of later.

My Aunt (center) with two other relatives.

God is working on all of us.  This morning my Aunt (my Father’s sister) called me.  Things have been difficult since the passing of my father (her brother) in 2003.  Both my mom and I were already facing some financial hardships and his passing was completely unexpected.  Our family often keeps messy situations private, so my mom and I chose to quickly and quietly deal with his arrangements and estate.  What I didn’t realize at the time is how much that hurt my aunt.  There’s probably volumes more to this story that I don’t know about as well, but it was at least a year later before my aunt began to share with me her pain.  That was rough because I was dealing with so much un-processed pain at the time myself.  I was amazed to know that she was so affected and that’s why we hadn’t talked. It was then that I realized just how connected my family is. When my aunt called this morning, she was calling to let me know that she wants to start fresh and that she’s sorry we haven’t been in touch.  I wish I could have hugged her right through my cell phone.  I don’t want to continue in the patterns of silence that we’ve maintained for so long.

Individually everyone of us could be bleeding to death in the same room, but as long as we can keep it to ourselves, no one would ever mention it to the other.  In retrospect, my Dad had emotional pains as well, that unless absolutely necessary – he wasn’t going to bring up.  It’s just the way we deal with things – inside.  Unfortunately it caused us to love each other but from a distance.  For me, I grew up knowing I was loved, but that the ‘bad parts’ of me needed to be kept locked away until I ‘fixed’ them on my own.  It’s what all of us did so I didn’t think it was anything less than normal.  It’s only in my adult years after growing closer to some other families that I realize that what I grew up with isn’t the de facto standard of human civilization.  That some families go through everything together good and bad.  That I could intern be loved / accepted with my good and bad showing – novel concept for me.

All of this is new for me.  I’m thankful for the beginning of reconcilliation.  I feel so strongly that this is our time to heal.

I just finished leaving a comment for a friend who’s father passed about 3 months ago.  In sharing with him parts of my story, I’m realizing that it was this time of year in 2003 when my own father passed.

I just tried to call my Aunt (my Dad’s sister) who I haven’t been in touch with much.  I feel like they want me to call them and specifically my grandmother more – and I agree that I should.  But it’s creating a tension that I don’t know how to deal with.  When my father passed unexpectedly, there were messy situations in our home that rather than expose, my mom and I chose to deal with them privately and quietly.  Unfortunately this caused my fathers family to feel excluded – something I didn’t find out about until a year after he passed.  Even then, I wasn’t in a place that would allow me to really deal with the complexities of my life and relationships.

I wish I had an easy answer right now.  I’ve noticed about myself that I want to end everything on a positive note.  To an extent nothing is wrong with that – I just have to be able to deal with things that won’t have a good outlook – right away.

Heavenly Father,
I need your help.  I have so many emotions and situations whirling around me right now.  I know these feelings are only temporary.  Help me to see and feel you now – to focus and be centered on you.  Grant me the peace that surpasses my understanding of these situations.  God I’ll trust in you.
Thank you for my earthly Father – who those limited and human set a beautiful example of  your unconditional love.  Thank you for the love that you put in his heart for me.  For how he did his best to be present and loving in my life.  Thank you Lord… for Darryl Kingsly Calhoun.
Amen