Tag Archives: Dad

A Time To Heal

Last night in our music team rehearsal, there was a great time of sharing.  A common theme was family – there were all kinds of family situations at various states.  Right now, most of my blood related family lives in other states.  A few weeks ago I was renewed in my need to start working through the messy details of my own family.  One step was talking to my mom (sent an e-mail) about several things that I’ve wanted to ask about but didn’t want to stir difficult emotions by bringing them up.  She let me know where she was with those things and it freed me to do whatever I felt I needed in my relationships with my other family members.  In many ways I still don’t know how everything is going to work out, but I’m beginning a new chapter and hopefully can begin to build and restore some connections.

My Aunt (center) with two other relatives.

God is working on all of us.  This morning my Aunt (my Father’s sister) called me.  Things have been difficult since the passing of my father (her brother) in 2003.  Both my mom and I were already facing some financial hardships and his passing was completely unexpected.  Our family often keeps messy situations private, so my mom and I chose to quickly and quietly deal with his arrangements and estate.  What I didn’t realize at the time is how much that hurt my aunt.  There’s probably volumes more to this story that I don’t know about as well, but it was at least a year later before my aunt began to share with me her pain.  That was rough because I was dealing with so much un-processed pain at the time myself.  I was amazed to know that she was so affected and that’s why we hadn’t talked. It was then that I realized just how connected my family is. When my aunt called this morning, she was calling to let me know that she wants to start fresh and that she’s sorry we haven’t been in touch.  I wish I could have hugged her right through my cell phone.  I don’t want to continue in the patterns of silence that we’ve maintained for so long.

Individually everyone of us could be bleeding to death in the same room, but as long as we can keep it to ourselves, no one would ever mention it to the other.  In retrospect, my Dad had emotional pains as well, that unless absolutely necessary – he wasn’t going to bring up.  It’s just the way we deal with things – inside.  Unfortunately it caused us to love each other but from a distance.  For me, I grew up knowing I was loved, but that the ‘bad parts’ of me needed to be kept locked away until I ‘fixed’ them on my own.  It’s what all of us did so I didn’t think it was anything less than normal.  It’s only in my adult years after growing closer to some other families that I realize that what I grew up with isn’t the de facto standard of human civilization.  That some families go through everything together good and bad.  That I could intern be loved / accepted with my good and bad showing – novel concept for me. 🙂

All of this is new for me.  I’m thankful for the beginning of reconcilliation.  I feel so strongly that this is our time to heal.

Thoughts of my Father…

I’m missing my Dad right now.

I just finished leaving a comment for a friend who’s father passed about 3 months ago.  In sharing with him parts of my story, I’m realizing that it was this time of year in 2003 when my own father passed.

I just tried to call my Aunt (my Dad’s sister) who I haven’t been in touch with much.  I feel like they want me to call them and specifically my grandmother more – and I agree that I should.  But it’s creating a tension that I don’t know how to deal with.  When my father passed unexpectedly, there were messy situations in our home that rather than expose, my mom and I chose to deal with them privately and quietly.  Unfortunately this caused my fathers family to feel excluded – something I didn’t find out about until a year after he passed.  Even then, I wasn’t in a place that would allow me to really deal with the complexities of my life and relationships.

I wish I had an easy answer right now.  I’ve noticed about myself that I want to end everything on a positive note.  To an extent nothing is wrong with that – I just have to be able to deal with things that won’t have a good outlook – right away.

Heavenly Father,
I need your help.  I have so many emotions and situations whirling around me right now.  I know these feelings are only temporary.  Help me to see and feel you now – to focus and be centered on you.  Grant me the peace that surpasses my understanding of these situations.  God I’ll trust in you.
Thank you for my earthly Father – who those limited and human set a beautiful example of  your unconditional love.  Thank you for the love that you put in his heart for me.  For how he did his best to be present and loving in my life.  Thank you Lord… for Darryl Kingsly Calhoun.
Amen

dad and me

A Song of Strength

Today at church I passed around 3 cards for various members of our music team who are having difficult times right now.  Two are grieving the loss of family members.  While I’m passing those cards around I hear that one of my dear friends went to the hospital with chest pains yesterday.  There are some seasons where it seems that the difficulties just come out of nowhere.  I was writing to one of the friends who lost their mom this weekend.  It reminded me of when my own father died.

My father passed unexpectedly in his sleep in 2003.  He lived alone and was found by a friend after he passed.  Both me and my mom didn’t have cell phones during that time which left his side of the family without a way to contact us.  We almost didn’t find out except that someone remembered where I went to church at the time and came and found me there on Sunday morning.  As soon as I heard the news it was almost like a movie that I was watching happening… it was just surreal to me.  In several ways, God has been preparing me for his passing since 1999.  I couldn’t leave my Dad without saying I loved him or gave him a hug.  If I did leave, I would get this prompting to remember that this could be the last time I see him.  So when my aunt tells me that my father has passed it’s like “wow… ok… here it is… this is reality now”.

In a lot of ways I was already “ok” with it.  He had some health issues (Diabetes and a congestive heart condition) but he was doing fine – he had plans to go to the movies the next day.  He was only in his 50’s.  We’d started spending random time together, catching a movie and talking about his memories growing up.  We’d begun to work through some of the difficulties in how we bonded and showed each other love.  God renewed our relationship.  Some things that came out of that restoration I didn’t realize until at least a year after he passed: He was proud of me. To this day, that realization gives me strength like nothing else anyone has ever said to me.  I’ll write more about that later.

One thing that helped me through the time after he passed was the song: “A Song of Strength” by Fred Hammond.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7-XxVJNVHw&feature=rec-fresh

[ Verse 1: ]
What do you do
When the life you’ve
planned is shattered
What do you say
When the one you love is gone
How do you live
Seems like no hope for tomorrow
Pain doesn’t care where you
live or who you are

[ Chorus: ]
Lord You see my life is broken
And I don’t know what to do
While I’m in this
change, help me remain
I will count on You, oh, oh
When I can’t see, I know You’ll guide
When I cry out, I know You feel
Now I’m praying, I know You hear
I’m praying for healing, I know You will

[ Verse 2: ]
Who do you call
When no one has the answer
Where do you go
When the place you’ve know is no more
When will they stop
All the tears they just keep falling
Pain doesn’t care where you
live or who you are

[ Repeat Chorus ]

[ Channel ]
We ask you to forgive
And we will do the same
We receive Your love
Lord we’ll take time to heal

[ Vamp ]
Hold on and wait just a little while
He’ll bring a song of
strength in the midnight
Touch our lives with Your loving Hand
Hold on, we’ll hold on
(Repeat)

Hold on and wait just a little while

I hope that you find encouragement and strength in your difficult midnight hours. –Darren