Updates coming soon. I’m writing this from the new iPhone app WordPress 2 – so maybe I’ll write more frequently.

After a certain point it became quite clear that giving my life to the leadership of that church and hoping they could fix it was NOT going to be the answer.  It was apparent that they only had ideas on how to keep me away from sinning – but didn’t have tools to deal with this issues of sin and brokenness in my heart.  I chose to move back to Chicago and that was the beginning of the end.  The Pastor stopped returning my calls (and e-mails) and the Overseer no longer had anything to say to me.  I was asked ‘not to touch the mic’ and relieved of all of my serving positions.  There was no direction given for what I needed to do to be restored.  The only engagement I received now was 2nd and 3rd party requests for me to decorate for an event, or do photography, or design a web page.  Eventually God called me away from there to continue to pursue healing, restoration, and relationship with Him (and His people).  In some ways leaving hurt worse than staying.  I didn’t want to give up on the church or restoring the relationship and I still have a great love for the congregation and the works that the ministry engaged in.  But it was obvious that I couldn’t heal there and in fact the wounds were becoming deeper and deeper anytime I attended a service.

I eventually found my current church and connected right away.  But without realizing it, I’ve been quietly carrying the wounds of my previous church experience.  I’m usually not aware of it until I start getting apprehensive about something – like engaging with a leader, or saying no to a serving request, opening up about my struggles, or most recently about becoming an ‘official’ member.  I approached each of these situations with great fear and worry that all the goodness that I was experiencing would suddenly fall apart and in the end I would be rejected – again.  Yet even with all of my worries and doubts, I’ve been met with absolute love and built deeper and healthier relationships than I ever thought possible before.  A lot of this progress has to do with me reclaiming ownership of my life and learning the right way to ‘lay it all down’ for Christ.

In me recounting my story, my friend asked if I ever ‘just cry’. In a lot of ways, I was numb to the pain of what was my life just a few years ago.  If you’d asked me then how I felt I would have said “happy” as I would say now.  But then, I distanced myself from ‘negative things’ like anger, pain, or confrontation.  The difference is that my life is fuller – I can see the positive direction it’s taking, and am starting to have glimpses of what the rest of my life could look like, and I’m fully embracing all the emotions and experiences I have without fear.  I also realize that sometimes I do ‘just cry’.  The main time that comes to mind is on many Sunday afternoons after a beautiful morning of worship and fellowship I become absolutely overwhelmed with gratitude for all that God has brought me through.  I’m so full of Joy to be in the place that I am now – not an easy place by any stretch of the imagination, but a healthy and safe place where I’m growing all the time.  I feel like crying after I have another transparent and vulnerable conversation where at the en I’m not judged but rather have grown closer to the person who I’ve shared with – and who also has shared with me!  I feel like crying when I see the positive impact that the changes that are taking place in my life are having on others who are close to me.

At the same time I’m anxious, feel weak, am afraid, and in some ways just don’t know what to do.

This week I started looking for work.  For my current main income, I’m only paid per project – and I’ve had almost no projects this month.  That means I’ve got to find another source quickly.  That makes me axious.  Then I’m dealing with the fact that I’ve gained yet another clothing size – so starting this week I’m going walking in the mornings, but it’s only Tuesday and I can barely drag myself out of the house.  I’m really begining to push against my addictive paterns, for the first time in a long time, I want to take active steps to overcome… but I feel so weak and haven’t done a great job this week.  Let’s not even begin to factor in the unrest in our economy right now.

I realize that I’m on the edge of change — it just happens to be in about 973 areas of my life all at once.  I’m thankful that I have things to look forward to in my week, that I’m building some friendships and support, and that God is my strength.  I just want to know that everything will be ok.

Lord, I need you so.  Father… HELP ME… HELP US ALL.  Hosanna!  (“Save Us Now. We Beg you”).  Amen