All Articles by Darren Calhoun

225 Articles

Worshiping While Queer – Podcast with Matthias Roberts

“I felt God in all these spaces in some kind of real way, so it’s not that I have to throw it all out. But I do have to give myself permission to ask questions. I have to give myself permission to be upset, and angry, and unhappy, things that we don’t often encourage people to do in worship settings.”

Check out my interview with Matthias Roberts on Queerology

 

I was interviewed on This Show Is So Gay!

Life seems to be a whirlwind tour these days.  After my recent trips to the National Museum of African American History in Washington D.C. and to Nashville for the Convergence Music Conference, I had the opportunity to chat with Ken Schneck of “This Show Is So Gay”.  

It was a pleasure to share on the show about my work as an activist and worship leader. Check it out and let me know if you have questions! The interview starts at about the 32 minute mark

The Gay Christian Network Conference 2017 Recap: Reflections, Setlist, and Videos! #GCNconf

Hey Friends! 

I had an amazing time leading worship at the 2017 GCN Conference.  A few folks have asked about my experience as well as a copy of the set lists so here we go!  

I’m still in awe. I’m writing this weeks after the conference and the awe of being asked to serve as worship leader for this conference still amazes me.  For those who don’t know my story, I’m someone who was told by church leaders that God would never fully use me because I’m gay or that people would never see me as a man of God because of my sexuality.  Years later I’m seeing every one of those words fall to the ground as amazing opportunities to lead and be an advocate for LGBTQ inclusion in churches continue spring up on my path. 

I also had the honor of assembling a world-class team of LGBTQ people and allies. Many of us share the similar stories of being wounded by churches and church leaders and being part of an event like this – while sometimes difficult – is cathartic and redemptive in ways that we can’t fully describe.  When possible I’ll do follow-up posts with stories that I have permission to share.

For those who couldn’t be at the conference or who missed the live stream, videos are here! Our team led worship for the first three general sessions of the conference, which all can be viewed on GCN’s YouTube page (Session 1, Session 2Session 3, Session 4 – Liturgical Worship).  Additionally, please enjoy the keynote speakers who’s talks are also on these videos.

I’ve created a Spotify playlist with most of the songs we shared. You can follow that playlist here

I wanted to be very intentional about the song selections for the conference. With 1400 people in attendance all coming from different churches, denominations, theological leanings, and musical preferences, creating a worship experience for us to have TOGETHER required some intentionality.  Fortunately, this is something that I strive to do year-round, GCN being no different. Our selections tried to incorporate songs that would be familiar when possible or easy to pick-up and follow-along if it was your first time singing it.  The songs range from hymns to gospel to contemporary Christian music and included a bilingual worship song.  We also tried to be mindful of the messages and language of each song to be sure that the sets were as accessible to a wide an audience as possible.  I’m still learning and there are lots of places where I can do better at this, but I think it’s worth the extra effort. 

One of the songs that are not on Spotify is “Room For Us All” by The Many.  In 2016 I started singing with this group and I LOVE the music that we’re making together. You may download the song for free here along with other music from The Plural Guild.  Something I secretly hoped for while we were singing this song is that while we repeat the chorus of “We are on this earth to love” that people would hold hands or lock arms and sing this… and it happened! It’s the little things that make my heart glad. 🙂

Below is the written setlist and after that some cameraphone photos and screen shots of what people shared about the conference on Twitter. 

Thanks for following my grand adventure and stay tuned for more! 

Session 1 – Thursday:

  • Lord, You’re Worthy
  • Medley: Set A Fire, Always, Ever Be, Simple Gospel
  • My World Needs You
  • You Are Good (in Spanish and English)

Session 2 – Friday:

  • Reprise of “You Are Good”
  • For Those Tears I Died
  • Simple Gospel
  • In Christ Alone with On Christ The Solid Rock
  • Glorious

Session 3 – Saturday:

  • Here’s My Heart
  • Deep Cries Out
  • Old School Medley: We Bring The Sacrifice of Praise, In The Name of Jesus, Victory is Mine, 
  • “Here’s My Heart” (Reprise)
  • My World Needs You (Reprise) with Isaiah 58 Spoken Word
  •  Room For Us All
  • Hold Us Together 

Session 3 – Continued at Offering: 

  • Chase Away my Dark
  • It Is Well

I am #FaithfullyLGBT!

While in Long Beach California for The Reformation Project’s National Conference I had the opportunity to be photographed for the #FaithfullyLGBT project – an effort to share photos and stories from LGBT+ Christians across the country.  It was really an honor to contribute my voice and likeness to this campaign.  I wrote responses to three questions that were asked by the campaign and I thought I would share my responses here to give a little more insight into me and my journey. 

Name: Darren Calhoun
Faith Tradition: Non-denominational
Sexual Orientation: Gay
Gender Identity: Cis gender (He / Him pronouns)

Questions:
1. Discuss how you reconciled your faith with your sexual orientation.

I’ve been on a long and often painful road when it comes to the tensions I’ve experienced around my faith and sexuality. I was told by some of the closest and most important people in my life that being gay would be not only a hinderance to my ability to serve as a minister, but also to my relationship with God. In my teen years, I woke up daily trying to figure out how to choose not to be gay. In my college years, I committed myself to spiritual leaders who asserted that I could be “delivered” from my same-sex attractions. I was so committed to my faith that I willingly gave up school, my business, family and friends — nothing was spared in my pursuit of being pleasing to God.

What I didn’t expect was that God wasn’t looking for all those sacrifices from me. As I gave up more and more, I eventually found that those were the expectations of people who primarily sought to control or eliminate what they didn’t understand. As I entered my late 20’s, I could look back and see how God was showing me that I’m loved fully as I am. This love of God set me free to question what people were saying about how God wouldn’t love me or accept me as a gay man. Eventually with the support of other Christians who had a deep understanding of unconditional love, I found my way out of toxic and controlling churches, and into Christian communities that could affirm their love and God’s love for me no matter what.

2. Describe where you are currently in your journey with God.

Now I’m getting to know myself as I am, not as I felt I ‘should’ be. I’m slowly peeling back the layers of condemnation, years of filtering myself, and challenging myself to be seen and loved as I am. I still have to fight the feeling that one of my pastors is going to tell me something horrible like the pastor who told me that I didn’t know how ‘damned’ I am. I’m discovering just how deep, wide, and unchanging the love of God really is — for me and for everyone else. When I realized that God could love me unconditionally, it freed me to see how others could be loved the same way. Because of that kind of love, I’m working to make the church a safer place for everyone, especially LGBTQ+ people. This is what I feel called by God to do.

3. What is the one thing I want to tell non-affirming members of my faith?

Being welcoming of LGBTQ+ people but not affirming them still comes at great cost for the LGBTQ+, questioning, or struggling person in your midst. What for you may be an abstract or theological construct, has deep ramifications for the person to whom it applies. Having church policy that limits access to serving in the community or pursuing family in the form of marriage has a quiet but erosive effect on us in ways that are often invisible to you. Our validity and life experiences are often erased from spaces that haven’t made room for us to be our whole selves. Our futures are uncertain in churches that have a multitude of supports for marriage and raising children, but nothing for life-long singles as many non-affirming churches expect us to be. When we can’t enter into many of the celebrated milestones of church communities (like finding love, building a family, building a life with and publicly affirming your spouse) we are reminded over and over that we simply cannot fully belong. Good intentions and faithfulness to your interpretation of scripture will not overcome the ever-present reminders that because of my orientation (or gender identity) that I can never been FULLY accepted. This is a reality that non-affirming churches need to wrestle with in ways much deeper than answering the question “is homosexuality a sin?”.

#FaithfullyLGBT photo by Daniel Rarela
#FaithfullyLGBT photo by Daniel Rarela

Q&A: Is it wrong to compare the Civil Rights movement to the fight for LGBT rights?

Question: Some have said “A lot of black folks are very upset that the LGBT rights issue is being compared to the civil rights of African Americans.” Is that true? How would you respond to that?

Darren’s Answer: It’s a mixed bag!

  • Some black folk are upset because some white LGBT movement folk conflate the Civil Rights movement with their own while continuing to be oblivious to or ignore ongoing racial discrimination – especially within LGBT communities. 
  • Some black folks are upset because they are Cis gender and heterosexual and think black liberation is only for people who fall into both those categories. They routinely are antagonistic of black LGBT folk and will often blame them for issues in the black community. “White people are turning our sons and fathers gay to eliminate us!” 
  • Some people (black and otherwise) think the civil rights movement should never be touched. It was perfect and holy unto itself and to compare it to anything (including Black Lives Matter) is sacrilege. 
  • I say all justice work is interconnected in some way. There are valuable ways that the fight for racial equality and LGBTQ+ rights intersect. I speak often and highly of Bayard Rustin being both black and gay and needing needing the freedoms afforded by both movements but not fully embraced by either movement. I think it’s important to keep our lens intersectional so that we don’t co-opt the civil rights movement or erase the ways black LGBT+ people are still vulnerable, erased, or excluded.  

What does it mean to #MakeLoveLouder at Chicago’s Pride Parade?

June 26, 2016 will mark my sixth year of being part of counter-protest efforts at the Chicago LGBTQ Pride parade. This effort started with the “I’m Sorry” campaign in 2010.  At that time, a group of people gathered together to apologize for the way the church has harmed LGBTQ communities.  We were a mostly Christian group of allies and LGBTQ+ people showing up at Pride to inspire a little more love and acknowledge the wrong that had been done by Christians. This tiny effort touched the hearts of many and went viral on the internet.  Eventually this idea caught on and was replicated at Pride parades across the country and even beyond the United States.

High-fives from parade goers at the Chicago Pride Parade
High-fives from parade goers at the Chicago Pride Parade

I’m excited to say that we’ll be back this year with the Make Love Louder at Pride campaign (#MakeLoveLouder).  The Center for Inclusivity is sponsoring the effort as we rally Christians, Muslims, Atheists, LGBTQ people and their allies, religiously affirming and those from a conservative tradition, under the banner of humanity and love.  We’ll be wearing red t-shirts and positioning ourselves between the parade marchers and the protesters near the end of the parade route.

#MakeLoveLouder red teeshirtIf this idea excites you and you want to join us, I’m writing to help prepare you mentally and emotionally.

If you’ve never been around the anti-LGBTQ protesters, it can be pretty intense. If you’re sensitive to the following descriptions, please take that into account and don’t ignore your gut.

(triggering and harsh language warning)

The protesters are a mix of people who are local as well as from infamous places like Westboro Baptist Church. They carry four-foot-tall banners and smaller posters and are on bullhorns the entire time. They call out individuals to question, blame, insult, and condemn. They say things like “I hope you get gonorrhea and die” or “You with the long hair, you’re going to rot in hell forever.”

They have signs that read “God hates fags.”

The protesters work to incite anger, and there’s no shortage of parade goers who will yell “f-you” and put up middle fingers at them in response.

Every year at least one person ends up getting arrested (and the protesters do press charges) for spitting or throwing something like a water bottle. This is a strategy that the protesters use as a revenue source by settling out of court with defendants.

It can be pretty crowded and hot (it’s a parade), and sometimes that can be a bit much for some people. Oh, and there are intoxicated people everywhere, so you know how that can go.

I purposely try to describe the worst here, because I don’t want to lead anyone into something potentially harmful without warning them.

Chicago Police in front of the anti-gay protesters at Chicago's Pride Parade 2015
Chicago Police in front of the anti-gay protesters at Chicago’s Pride Parade 2015

In contrast, I’ve never felt physically threatened. Uniformed Chicago police have the protesters barricaded in, and they escort them into the parade and back out at the end. Chicago Police surround the protesters by standing shoulder to shoulder outside of the barricade. The officers have always been pleasant toward us (parade goers and counter-protesters).

The best part for me is getting the crowd to cheer and drown out the hate speech.

I get lots of hugssometimes as people cryin appreciation for my being there.

My arms get tired from high fives. 🙂

My face hurts from smiling and yelling “I love you!” or “God loves you!”

I’ve even gotten a little dehydrated from cheering and sweating (bring water!).  🙂 

All that is to say that although the bad is BAD, the good is GREAT! People should talk and figure out what they are okay with and by no means should feel any pressure to come or to stay if they don’t feel good after experiencing what’s going on. By moving just a block away you can forget the protesters are even there and resume enjoying the parade.  If you decide that this isn’t for you, that’s totally finesurvival is a form of resistance, so you thriving elsewhere that day is important, too!

I will say that SO many people who have been part of this effort in the past didn’t realize how impactful the simple act of showing up could be.  So many of us have shed tears of joy or been personally rocked by what this embodiment of love is about.  

If you want more details, we’ll keep our Facebook event page up-to-date with information including location and details about t-shirts. Visit www.CenterForInclusivity.org to learn more about this great organization.

Detail Map showing the location of the protesters during Chicago's Pride Parade

Fathers, Shooters, and Good Men: A Call to Action

[This piece was originally shared on The Good Men Project 6/19/2016]

Growing up, there were parts of my childhood that were unique in ways that I would not realize until later in life. Some of the hallmarks of raising a young black boy on the south-side of Chicago these days were absent from my world. Today, I’m especially thinking about the role of my father in shaping how I exist in the world.

“Boys will be boys” and the now popular “man up” were not the kind of phrases I heard as a kid. I was never encouraged to fight with my fists. When my parents disciplined me, it never involved physical punishment like spankings or punches. Life was not always easy but on the days when I felt overwhelmed, they never shamed for crying in response. As I look back, I am profoundly grateful that my father was different.

Toxic masculinity—the idea that being a man means we have to carry ourselves in ways that are harmful to others and ourselves for the sake of living out some unrealistic ideal of what “being a man” is all about.

Before he passed away, my father stood six feet tall and weighed well over 200 pounds. He always wore a goatee and while he was generally a gentle giant, one would not presume that from looking at him. His voice had a certain rasp to it from when he was a smoker, but he didn’t say much. He was also a bit of a geek: a Star Trek fanatic and computer nerd long before home computers were ubiquitous. He was married to my mom, a woman I would grow to understand as a feminist and someone who stands up for what she believes. I saw them disagree plenty of times but I never saw my dad place his status as a man over her as a woman. As a kid, I had no reference for why women would be treated any differently than men, but if I saw it, I knew it was wrong.

What I have come to realize is that I grew up somewhat sheltered from our culture of toxic masculinity—the idea that being a man means we have to carry ourselves in ways that are harmful to others and ourselves for the sake of living out some unrealistic ideal of what “being a man” is all about.

My father was different and raised me differently, as a result. As I grew into an adult, I slowly had my eyes opened to the various ways I experience injustice and discrimination, first as a black man, then as a gay man. I am thankful that I never felt undue pressure about who I am at home. I came out as gay at 18 years old and I remember telling my parents last, in part because I was least worried about them accepting me. I was always loved, always encouraged — even as an artsy/creative kid who sometimes did lip-synch performances to Patti LaBelle in the living room on the stage that I built for such entertainment. My parents supported me to freely play, create, build, perform, and explore in ways that were safe.

—•—

Out of Orlando Florida, we are slowly receiving details about a man who took the lives of 49 others in a LGBTQ nightclub on June 12, 2016. The media was quick to share details of his life, including ways that he might be described as homophobic. We have heard that his father was very strict and he has been accused of beating his ex-wife. Later we found out that he attended this nightclub regularly for as long as three years before his killing spree and that he has used a gay dating app to talk to at least one person. As the narrative expands, there are speculations that he may have been gay or bisexual himself and struggling with deeply internalized homophobia. On social media and in the news this tragedy sparks heated debates about gun control, the role of religion and its impact on LGBTQ people, Islamophobia, and who should be scrutinized in this country.

The idea that men are instinctively predatory and violent and that the burden of resisting that nature rests on the abused is enshrined in our culture.

One particular theme that surfaces in the debate is about men, specifically, “men are dangerous.” Is it white men who have committed the majority of mass shootings in the country or is it Muslim men who we are told have pledged themselves to ISIS? Just weeks ago, the debate was about predatory men pretending to be transgender to gain access to women’s bathrooms so that they can attack women. We’ve also queried what should happen to men who have sex when the person cannot consent—which is rape—and what should happen to the perpetrator. Many people defending this kind of assault with the phrase “that’s just the way men are.” These issues are the fruit of toxic masculinity. The idea that men are instinctively predatory and violent and that the burden of resisting that nature rests on the abused is enshrined in our culture.

These issues are the fruit of toxic masculinity. The idea that men are instinctively predatory and violent and that the burden of resisting that nature rests on the abused is enshrined in our culture.

We may never fully know all the details of what made the killer at Pulse Nightclub in Orlando choose to commit such a devastating act or why some men rape. We can look critically at how we participate in our culture and make changes for the better. This call is not to say that everyone needs to be raised the same way as me. This is a call to action, for us to ask hard questions about how we raise our boys and make sure that we are not participating in a culture that creates violent, abusive killers.

—•—

Toxic masculinity affects us all from how we raise boys to the culture that created the shooter at Pulse Orlando. This is a call for us to change our culture and to make space for every man to be a good man.

As a society, we need to make space for men who are different: men who live differently, who follow a different religion or none at all, who dress differently, who speak differently, who come from different countries or speak different languages. We need to make space for men who create and perform, men who play a sport, men whose bodies are large or small, men who like heels and a blouse and men who like fitted baseball caps and hoodies. We need to include men who are in the gender and sexual minorities and majority. We need to make space for men to have a full range of emotions and expressions: to cry and to laugh, to sing and to shout, to be silent and to speak, to live and to love fully.

We can be men who do good, who own our failures and make amends. Men who dismantle abusive cycles and make the world better with love.

In the wake of this tragedy and as I consider how best to honor the memory of my father this Father’s Day, I’m digging deeper into being the man who made my father proud before he died. I have invested the last 16 years of my life working against injustice by speaking up and taking action to make our world better for everyone. We don’t have to be the kind of men who lead by intimidation and brute force. We can be men that lead with love and compassion, men who treat others the way we want to be treated. We can be men who do good, who own our failures and make amends. Men who dismantle abusive cycles and make the world better with love. Let us do the hard work of learning and living out what it means to be good men.

 

Chicago’s Donald Trump rally protest photos

Chicago, I’m proud of the way we came together to send a loud and clear message that Trump and the hate that is churning in his rallies and within his supporters is NOT welcome here.  We shut down the rally and that’s a victory for us all. I hope other cities do the same. 

Most of what I observed was peaceful protest. THOUSANDS were on the streets that night but the media focused on the individual instances of violence.  Sadly, that’s what they are most interested in showing the public, contributing to the fear and speculation that these protests are chaotic and dangerous. 

In a somewhat uncharacteristic move, Chicago Police were being very heavy-handed in how they tried to force protesters out of the intersection at Racine and Van Buren. Police would swarm in packs of 50 at a time — crowding in protesters and attempting to create a wall of force to push protesters around. I saw someone get hit with a billy club and several people pushed to the ground.  Even with repeated instances of police officers aggression, the majority of the protesters remained peaceful. 

Below are some of the images I captured from #DumpTrump in Chicago.