It has often been said “you are what you eat” but right now I’m asking: Am I only what I do?
I think I’m coming to a realization that I’ve often defined myself by what I’m doing. I’ve gauged my worth on what I’m doing and how much that is valued. When I’m doing something that’s admirable and praised, I feel great. When I don’t have any of those things all my insecurities come out and redefine me. I swing like a pendulum from feeling great and seeing the world as right to feeling sad or even lost and struggling to be in this world. The struggle for me is to become centered – on God and who he’s created me to be on a level more essential than what I do.
In the end it’s God’s “well done” that we’re supposed to be seeking, but I get rather short-sighted and can be drawn to the “well done” of men. I was recounting earlier today how much power I’ve handed over to others to control and manipulate my life all in hopes of ‘being who I’m supposed to be’ and in hopes of earning God’s ‘well done’. As a result I’ve been down some pretty desparate and damaging paths. God is so faithful, he let me know years ago that contrary to what well meaning people have said, I’m not a single day late in His plans for me. I’ve internalized so much of what others have said am trying to push that stuff out and replace it with what I KNOW God says about me. But even in all that, I’m still struggling to know Darren… to know my own thoughts, likes, dislikes, wants, and desires – to be me without that being driven by what I do (for others).
3 When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers,
The moon and the stars, which You have ordained,
4 What is man that You are mindful of him,
And the son of man that You visit him?
5 For You have made him a little lower than the angels,[b]
And You have crowned him with glory and honor.
6 You have made him to have dominion over the works of Your hands;
You have put all things under his feet,