I’m grateful to God to still be alive… I’m amazed that in spite of these present hard times, I’m for the first time providing for my family… I can’t help but thank God for my job and the people I work with. On the other hand, I don’t want to let these feelings I have waring inside rob me of my joy… of my renewed vision and destiny.I will have been back in Chicago for 1 year in August. Indeed… this has been a time of facing my hurt, addressing my brokenness in relationships, and grasping hope in a brand new way. Lord create in me a clean heart… I don’t want to be bitter, scorned, and rejected in my heart or in my mind. I continue to have many struggles with the way I’ve been handled by my leadership and recently a scripture was illustrated (in a different context) that brought light to my pain.
The Healing of a Boy With a Demon (Mathew 17)
14 When they came to the crowd, a man approached Jesus and knelt before him. 15 “Lord, have mercy on my son,” he said. “He has seizures and is suffering greatly. He often falls into the fire or into the water. 16 I brought him to your disciples, but they could not heal him.”
17 “O unbelieving and perverse generation,” Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me.” 18 Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of the boy, and he was healed from that moment.
19 Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?”
20 He replied, “Because you have so little faith.
Father, help us all.
The specific part that applies to my situation is going to God’s appointed leaders (the Disciples) who could not heal the boy. I’m really worn out and it’s already ten minutes to 3am but I’ll quickly say this: I certainly feel the father’s in this story’s pain… having heard the wonderful stories of healing and bringing his situation (his son) to those who he believes can help his tormented situation. I know the pain of after trusting and believing that change would happen, seeing nothing and having to God (Jesus) for yourself. In the KJV the man exclaims… I believe but Help my Unbelief — and I too find myself in that situation of knowing and believing that God can and will deliver me, but also facing the daily situations that make me look more like an unbeliever! I’ve been told “you just don’t really want to change” and that “your grace is running out” and other not-so encouraging things. But somehow I still find myself believing… I still find my self encouraged and encouraging others… I still find my self going to JESUS after everything else fails. And I still believe that Just as Jesus cast the devils out of his life, he’ll do the same for me!
I’m still here because of God’s purpose… God purposely underscores the frailty of man, yet capitalizes that with HIM all things are possible. I believe that I will have healthy relationships, that I’ll make wise decisions for myself based on His Revelation, and that as I continue to seek the Kingdom that everything will be added that I need!
I don’t even know how to close this… so I’ll just end it here.
Love you… I appreciate you… and yes, my head is still up. Be Blessed 360!
Thursday July 27, 2006 – 03:03am (CDT)